So-Fas

Who am I kidding? I am, in every way, obsessed with the piano or keyboard. I fell in love with music in the first place for this reason. Each note hits me like a prayer, and is very capable of flowing through my entire being. When I play the keyboard, I know I am no longer in this world, because I am lost in the melody that is created. Fascinated at the fact that just a simple touch of a key can create so much intricate and exotic sounds, sometimes delicate and other times extremely bold. Yes I still do adore the guitar, and I adore boys that play it the most, that in itself will never change. So you might wonder, why is it that I refuse to play the piano anymore?
Simple.
Because the melody of the piano is the only thing and the only sound that can get to that box. It gets to it to the point that sometimes, that which is in hiding and locked up inside is actually moved. It gets there so much so that for the few seconds I allow myself to indulge for a bit, I feel almost alive and complete again. So I run.
I run because that is the safest thing for me to do.
I run because at that very moment, the temptation to give in a reopen that box is too great.
But then even you know that I cannot open it. At least not yet, and not by myself. I do have the key to the box, but then me opening it myself would mean doom would it not? It cannot be that the only thing that knows the melody is the piano, and also the only one that can move this box and it's content so delicately.
Maybe you think I am a coward, and maybe you are right. Maybe you think I am simply being ridiculous, and again, maybe you are right.
But I cannot bring myself to think like you do, and open it simply because you say all these things.
So please, do not misunderstand me when I turn away and move in the opposite direction at the sight of one playing or at the sight of a piano. It is not out of a sudden hatred that I do this, for it pains my soul almost as badly as a stab to the chest would, each time I take this action. The fact that I am Christian is the only reason I believe my soul has not been sold to music. If I do believe in love right now, I will say that music is one thing I know I am in love with.
The sound of the piano, the so-fas, the notes, the melody...
The one thing that is capable of picking me up, spinning me around and over to another dimension, and bringing me back to this place with more longing than I had before I went. They say once you taste a good fruit, you never want to go back. Is this any different? It's like a drug you can get high off, and when you have too much of it, like I did, at some point, you become too obsessed, and a slight shift in things, a little change in fate, leaves you wanting, broken and almost destroyed. So the simple solution in recovery would be to hide that vulnerable part of you that was almost trampled, and stay away from the source of you mishap, no matter how painful such a decision may be.
...if I were to believe in love, music will be my first love...