This blog might be a bit depressing for some, emotions might be stirred, feelings affected, questions left unanswered, etc. Viewer discretion is advised.... If you don't like what you see, don't comment. Just close the tab and it won't bother you anymore. :)
Two steps in, She stops. She smiles. The way their heads turn, Its almost like the music changed.
Up at the bar, She already has a drink. Paid, served, screaming orgasm. Don't ask who its from, She doesn't care.
One sip, Two, Now shes ready to go. The faster she moves, The higher the dress sways. The higher it sways, The crazier he gets. Don't ask who, She doesn't know.
Lights go low, Bodies get hot, Lips graze, tease, Fantasies enhance. Dreams get formed, She is creator.
Music stops. She smiles, She turns, She walks. He never saw it coming.
Bitch? No. Imogen? Maybe. The game is dirty dancing, And she the queen, is the Seductress...
I watch and I stare and I want to puke and I want to cry and I want to laugh and I want to scream. But all I do is laugh, All I do is almost cry, All I do is scream inside, All I do is hate her.
I see them they see mi they watch in wonder they think she is crazy they think she is mi. I want to scream, I want to say no, I want to yell stop, All I do is let her be.
She looks she smiles she waves she blows a kiss she turns the clock strikes twelve she is mi. I dread the turn, I dread the handover, Its too late to stop her now, All I do is wait.
Shes crazy they can tell she is crazy they can tell she would do it all they can tell she is gone. I can tell she is sane, I can tell she knows, I can tell she thinks, I can tell... cause... she is mi.
Is it wrong for mi to want something else for her? Is it wrong for mi to be tired and want it all to end? She hates her at all times, But more so when she is 'her'. Is it wrong for mi to say 'no more room' and have her evicted?
Watching her do the things she does, Watching her be the thing she is, The knife suddenly seems so close, Suddenly, I can deal with the cutting and the blood. Its not so bad if that is the alternative.
Then watching her crawl up into a ball and kiss death like she did the last time, Watching her try so hard to cry but cant get the tears out, Watching her recall it all and get defeated over again, Knowing some sick version of loyalty and self-challenge is gonna push her out again, Knowing the cycle is gonna repeat itself again.
Is it wrong for mi to fake believing her when she says she will let her go? Is it wrong for mi to stay upset and sad because I cant trust her about that? Is it wrong that I cant trust her about that? Is it wrong that I cant tell her anything now that she is hurting? Do I sympathize and not mean it? Do I reprimand and kill her more? Is it wrong of mi to think about all this with the knife so close, ready to hand over?
So I just saw some parts of this movie right, and I really don't know what it is called btw, which made mi take offense on behalf of the entire Vampire community. I think the vampire in this movie was really weak.
Ok brief summary.
I did not start from the beginning, but I think the basic story line (which from the looks of things was nowhere near Rocket science) was about this vampire who kept loosing the girl he loved because she was human and somehow died before he could turn her. Well the girl kept reincarnating (poor guy) and this time he found her and tried as always to take her with him. Problem was she had a boyfriend, and they were the portrayal of 'True Love'. Well to cut the long story short, in the end, the girl choose the human and the Vampire, due to his undying 'love' for her, let her go, again, and became soulless...possibly waiting for her to get reincarnated again...I don't know...
Well screw that.
To begin with, it is a well known fact that nothing, besides obliteration, can stand between a Vampire and his bride. Not to mention his constantly life-time run away bride. I mean, what Vampire do you know who chose to spend eternity alone, knowing fully well that his girl is lingering around with someone else...
And worse still, the Vampire was all talk and no action (well except when he killed the blonde bitch, she deserved it - though I did not care for his very unvampiry, bashing her head against the wall, method of killing her). Even at the end when the girl came to him and he was about to turn her when human boyfriend showed up (which by the way confused me cause I thought he already began when her human boy-friend got there, but apparently I was wrong. So what the hell was he waiting for then???), instead of killing the boy or hurting him or something, again I use the word, vampiry, he sent hims some electric current (blue, yes, it was blue) through his arm and shocked the boy, duh, into unconsciousness...
Electric current? Come on now, seriously?
I mean I have watched some prety lame shit (just ask IFC, they are the rulers in that department), but this was just plain insulting...
Don't ask mi why I am offended on behalf of Vampires, or why I am mad the human got the girl in the end...lol. In case you haven't noticed, it is 3:35am in the morning...not that that matters though...lol...
Ok I think there is something wrong with her right now! She permanently wants to cry, and when thats not happening, she feels the need to spill her guts and life history to everyone and anyone around her at that time (poor them, screw mi) and then I have to listen to the 'why the hell did I just say/do that' speech that follows...like oh barely 10 seconds later! What. The. Fuck???
Its sad watching her sad though. I think what happened is someone tried to open that box, maybe she did, and then realized too late that it was a bad idea. Sure the box is sealed closed now, but the thought of the pain in there alone is what is eating at her. And I think and shudder at that thought. If the mere thought of what is inside the box makes her so, then what would happen when the day finally comes and the box must be opened? I have more bets on a funeral than on a redemption here...
But can you blame her? I know even I cant give you a straight answer to that. Sometimes I can, sometimes I can't. But one thing is for sure though, until the air is cleared again, there is no way to help her. There is nothing to say that would make the pain go away. Only way to go is forward with words. So until the air clears, standing still is the only thing I can do. So I have to sit here and watch her bleed herself internally, and pray and hope she doesn't say so much shit that I have to make her bleed on the outside as well.
Now if only I could tell what started this, it would be easier to say 'it won't happen again.' But we both know that's all bull. And we both know that's what makes me sad the most.
I want to cry so hard right now, but the tears won't fall. I want to laugh so hard right now, but the emotions wont blend. Is it so bad that I hate and love them at the same time? Is it so bad that they do not know that I feel this way?
I know whatever I do, it would always be them then mi. I know no matter how hard I try to get gone, I would never be able to forget that fact. Is it so bad that I wish to be them for a second at least? Is it so bad that I don't like them much when they don't like themselves?
I step out and watch it try to move, And that has been, till date, the one thing that has made mi want to puke. It is hard for mi to get nauseous, so when I do, it is serious. i do for it, so I think it is serious. We pretty fucked up aint we?
I made a promise to mi, But then when you do that, it is kinda hard to tell fake from reality. Of course not with mi, I mean we have established that fact right?
I got shit for last night, Probably gonna get some more for tonight. But right now I don't care, Life seems short and I think a buzz makes it better still.
Its sad that I have fallen into the habit of making boys my 'brother material', Even sadder that I don't know how to undo that. But I think later on I would see the silver lining in all of this, But for now, sad is all I can be.
My ex wrote a poem about 'love being dead'. It seemed he only realized that now, poor thing. I wanted to ask him where he had been all this while, When Love took the high road and never looked back.
But then I keep thinking, 'did I do that to him?' But that would be too ambitious of mi right? So I pray and hope some other girls did that, So I don't add to my list of 'Hate mi' reasons.
Now I am off to bed for the day, With no boy at hand or in mind, I am fine this way. Some think I am too scared to admit liking some guys, Others claim I am in denial.
I think a little bit of both and more would do. I might want a guy, But previous expirience makes it hard for mi to believe he wants mi too, And even harder to believe he wants mi first...
But like I said, I am pretty fucked up tonight. Had too much to drink and much more to say that I think I would regret in the morning. But now that I am sobering up and I look back, I think I had fun.
Sure I said some shit I would rather have kept with mi, Sure I did somethings I would not have done as just mi, But all in all, I think I was good. And I think, no matter what others would say, tonight was a good night.
I do hate them both a lot, I do not enjoy the nights after I go out with them, But the times I do, I try not to think about it too much, and in the end, the night is always a good night...
Voices in her head, louder, louder. 'Fake' he says, She knows it already. A fraud. No reason to have a constant national anthem of that playing. She is fake. It disgusts her.
Scared. Terrified of her real self. Who wouldn't be? She sits there. She can see her. Sitting, Watching. A blur really. But those piercing eyes are clearer than anything.
Hate. Envy. For them she feels. They are free. No voices, No guilt. They are real. Can't kill them. Can't join them. He laughs always cause he knows she would never reach them.
Voices. Louder. Not Night as she thought. Night doesn't hate her so. Faceless. He is back. Brutally honest. Her mirror. He would bleed the truth out of her not to help her, but for his pleasure.
Heartless. Soulless. Maybe he hates her. Maybe she hates him. Yes she hates him. Yes he hates her. She tells him always. He smiles back always. But he would never voice it out no matter the cause.
Cut. Remove. Pull out. He won't leave. No matter how many parts she cuts. He won't leave. He said three major ones. First two too painful. Could not continue. Too long ago. And now she's said too much and so people would notice.
Tears. She won't shed. He would win. He can't win. Suicide. She won't die. Cause he would take the credit. He would win He can't win. So she must endure it till she finds another saving grace.
Voices. Help. Don't. Fake. Fraud. She disgusts herself. So she hates her too. He knows. So he stays. He stays. She he torments. He torments. Voices...she yells but no one hears...caged with him forever her heart bleeds...
He keeps his heart in a cage. Locked up, safe, secure. He loves not, hates not, trusts not, believes not. He is neither happy nor is he sad, neither joyful nor sorrowful. But she manages to get into the cage, and after much care and tenderness, frees the heart and lets it fly. Now he loves, he hates. he trusts, he believes. But most of all, he feels pain... "A heart once held, can no longer live alone" He falls for her, and she for him. And as all sad tales go, the end up sleeping together. Then he finds out she is his younger sister. The one person he trusts, loves and lives for...
What happens now?
Lets talk divorce - Do they qualify? There was no 'unfaithfulness' so it would be called a sin for them to divorce right? Lets talk incest - Can they really be accused of that? They had no idea until afterward that they were of the same blood. Lets talk kids - Well oh damn, what is another tragic addition to the mix gonna hurt? Ho do you say 'oh mum and dad are siblings, same way you guys are'?
Now his heart, now a flight, suddenly has its wings clipped. It falls, in no gentle way, and is crushed by the overwhelming feeling of pain that it had been skillfully protected from. Worse still, the cage is no more. "A heart once held can no longer live alone" He cannot go back to that cage because once it opened and was emptied, it disappeared. Each cage can only be used once see. Another has to be built and that takes time...at least to get one strong enough to counter or match the previous one. Originally, in the place of the cage, she stood. But she cannot help. As strong as she is, she is still but only 'human'. She too would be damaged by the news. She too would hurt from it. And she too, sadly, might have her wings clipped off...
So I ask you the same question they asked Mi, what happens now?
Oh for fuck's sake, can all movies/series/anime/manga sites be made to have a category called 'tragedy', so I don't have to waste my life watching something that would end with a Romeo and Juliet theme or one left in the world???? My friends say I get too involved in my movies and all that...the problem is my life is already a fantasy and I like to keep it that way. So anything that is 'happily-ever-after' oriented is welcomed in. I have made it a personal decision to stay away from anything that brings reality too close. That is why tragedies, which are based on the sad aspects of life, are a no go. Why the rant? I just watched a Japanese series called "A million stars falling from the sky". Imagine my almost heart attack when I found out, by accident, during a search for a part of episode 8, that it was a tragic ending that awaited me!?!?! I mean from the way it was going originally, I figured it would be a "Death Note" deal you know? The bad guy gets caught in the end, bla, bla, bla...but seriously, what the fuck was up with that ending!?! By the end of episode 7, I had the entire story figured out and I was like "Fuck my life..." I have a problem see, when I start something, I have to finish it. If I don't finish it, I get uncomfortable, get a migraine, get itchy...almost like an allergic reaction. So yeah, I have to finish it. In summary, I watched the story knowing fully well what would happen at the end. But it wasn't all bad though. Oh no...at least it was the best solution among all the many dandy choices tragedy gives. Yes, yes...they both died. If that girl, who decided to stop thinking as soon as she finally got the boy, had not shot herself after killing the reason I was watching that series to begin with, then I would not have forgiven her! If it isn't clear, yes I do blame her for what happened...at least most of it. (Of course if that baka of a Kan-chan had told us from the beginning she was that man's kid, life would have been easier). But back to the girl. You cannot coax a caged heart into trusting you and coming out, just to let it fly beside you solo! She said it herself, he had forgotten how to fly, so why, oh why would she expect him to be able to fly on his own just cause his heart was out of the cage??? I know this cause... I mean all she had to do was ask ne? Talk to him like she used to... and what happened to all that bs about believing in him, protecting his heart, and etc....in the end, as soon as she heard from that busy body of an おばばあちゃん, Kotoko-chan that, of course all this info was hear-say from yours trully's imagination, that her brother - fake - had killed her lover - real brother-'s father, she flipped and decided the one she wanted to protect in the end was not the one she claimed originally! And why the hell did she pull the trigger!?!? He was fucking shedding tears for crying out loud! Stop and think...when has Ryo EVER cried before!?!?! She had literary never seen this boy cry! Yet when she was before him, crying out accusations and making declarations about protecting her 'brother', and he began to cry, she who for 10 episodes had been the master at reading his true thoughts and getting what he really wanted to say, suddenly went dumb and did not understand what now became too clear it was almost stupid!!! Oh but of course our little princess could not have done it all alone. Oh now. Ryo, that bastard who could not decide if he wanted to be good or bad, just had to become human, and the worst kind, at the end. Self-sacrifice for crying out loud! How could he decide that that was the best option!?!? I really don't know which of the idiot siblings pissed me off the most! Really, as the saying goes, the truth shall set you free... It's been a while since I have had such an intrusion and been this pissed! I have now succeeded in giving myself a migraine as well... も いい です! おやすみ！
So I think I am driving myself slowly yet surely, closer and closer to insanity. One of the many ways I am trying to accomplish this, is the fact that now I am worried and terrified about my dream - which is what it is as of now - to go to graduate school in Japan and study IR. Of course the fact that I do want to go there in the first place, to some, is a sign of insanity already, so there is that. But since I long stopped giving a flying ass about what people think, that is not a tag on my insanity spill...lol...
I got a book about going to graduate school, but half way through, It felt weird reading it. Plus I still have no idea what 'research' plan I want to do when I get in. Of course lets not forget that my legendary dream school would be none other than the International University of Japan, which so happens to be on the top 50...yup...in the world! So technically, yours truly is aiming for an ivy-leagueish school...
Did I forget that my dearest papa knows nothing of all these plans? As far as he is concerned, his 。。。, *cough* I mean daughter, is going into the School of business probably (though she is under the illusion that she wants criminology), in the United States...Ivy-league too. Well at least we both are on point on the Ivy-leagueness of the school. lol
Then there is the fact that I cant stop thinking. Like for a second, I just cant. Something always pops up. It seems like my 'to-do-list' keeps getting longer and longer, and the more I try to get the things done, the more the pages turn...like "oh don't relax yet, there are a few more things left"...and no, it is definitely not the regular 'to do list' that humans have...no, no...mine is special...lol.
And then there is 'he who must not be named', who, for reasons I cannot fathom, can't shut up long enough for me to even think straight, and won't leave...well more like cannot leave, so I am stuck with him for God-knows how long! I cannot decide which is worse, the constant yapping, or the permanently "I know you are gonna have a near break down soon" look on his face...
Maybe I should...I don't know...I really don't know...right now though, I have to go study. Sure I aced the last test without a lot of review, but I am pretty sure, from experience, miracles happen once in a while...
