When is my now?

There is a darker side of Mi, one I fear the most. It is not because I do not know what it can do, it is rather the opposite. I try to fight it, I really do. Sometimes i win, most times I loose.It has a force too strong for the known Mi to handle. They say everyone has got their dark side, some people live through life without it coming up,k because they fought well,or had a good and strong army to help. Some people simply surrender to it without a fight, and their true side is not known to all. they are only identified by this dark side. Then there are those who try to fight it. Sometimes they win, most times they loose.

I always dream and wish. But like they say, if wishes were horses, poor men would ride. But I still wish anyway. Hoping that some day, someone would hear my cry and show me the way out. I see the way out, I just do not know how to get there. Each time I try and run to it, I think I have reached and I'm out. But I soon find my self in an even darker corner of this cage. A corner worse than the last one I was in. And then I cannot return to my last corner, as it seems like a heaven in contrast with my new hell, which seemed obviously closer to the way out for me now.

Once I had the life of the first class. I lived without the fear of this other me, I lived without the fear of the unknown. But then I tresspassed, and now I pay the price. This is why I say I wish I was ten again. When I unleashed this bitter evil upon myself. Life then seems like a dream to me now, one I can hardly even believe ever existed!

I have been told though that there is hope, there is a way out. They say there is a savior, and that he goes around rescuing those who he hears calling for help. I have called and cried, and each time I think I am crying louder, I feel am sinking deeper. Now I fear that I might be too deep for him to hear me. But they say nothing is too deep for him, this mysterious savior. They say he can reach even the darkest beyond, a place I dreed more than I care to share. Shall I still hang on? Do I still wait?

So here I lie in a new domain that I have run too. A fresh hidding place from my self. I fear Mi, I fear what I can do and I fear that I may do. What I do not want to do. I wish I could be bold like the others, or ignorant like the child. I wish I could tell how to get myself out of this, or go back in time and stop myself from getting into this. I ask myself why I do these things? I ask myself if I can stop myself in the end? Once I thought the answer to my last question was yes, but now I've learnt the hard way, that it is no. More like a hell no!

So I wait for the only one who is said to be able to set me free. I have met him, and I have felt him, but I have also lost him. I plead for another chance, and for help not to screw it this time. I plead for redemtion, and for a way out of this. I hate myself. This new darker me. I hate the lies and hypocracy it makes me play. I wish for a time when I can look back and know all this is in the past. I wish for a time I can look back and, like my other life, see all this as only a dream. I look up out of my cage, and with tears in my eyes, I plead for mercy. With tears in my eyes, I ask for help. And with tears in my eyes, I long to know "when is my now?"