Forbidden Contract

Last night,
At the cross road,
Where they say man meets the devil,
I sold my soul.
Not to the owner of the road,
As one would have expected,
Or to his helper,
As would have been the case.
But to a certain 'He'.

I still remember how the cold wind felt,
As it moved calmly yet seductively around me.
I remember the shape of the moon,
As it warmed me on that starry night.
Full moon?
So it seemed, as I signed with its light on the sand.

Last night,
At the place called the "Devil's Gate",
I sold my soul.
It was not to the devil as my other longed for,
But some may say my buyer was worse.
Yet
Whispering in my ears through the night,
Drowning me,
Making me sink deeper and deeper,
With each intoxicating breath I took,
It was hard to wake up from this newly found bliss.

Last night I defiled my Father and went to the Devil's Way,
Last night I defiled the devil and did business with another at his wake.
Surely the list of plagues that await me have become longer!
Surely my punishments are yet to be compiled!
But as I listened to the sound of his voice,
Gazing,
I was entrapped in the world in his eyes.
Surely if there was a pleasure known to man,
This would be it would it not?
Surely it was worth dieing for...
Was it not this?

Last night,
At the cross-road,
At the place where they say man meets the devil,
The place called the 'Devil's Gate',
I sold my soul to no other than 'He'.
And I thought "Hell be damned!" As I walked away with him,
Arm in arm,
The contract signed,
In blood and in mind,
There was no turning back.

The pain I feel

So I sprained my ankle today, and it hurts lyk hell! But then I noticed one thing, I actually prefer this pain to the other. I have never been a masochist, and frankly I dont intend to become one now! I certainly do not derive any pleasure from pain, but I actually see what it means to get relief from a lesser pain. Like that episode in 'House" when House broke his pinky to divert his pain sensors attention to the new and less painful feeling he felt, as opposed to the one in his leg.

But then I dont know how long I can hold up though. With the former, I could sleep and for that time forget about it and wake up with some minute of peace and solitude. But with this one, a slight movement hurts the most. And no, I still cannot shed a tear. So right now I wonder if this really is better? I cant cry it out, so I bear it...though I am one breath short of screaming. Wish I had some Valium or something strong to knock me out and make this pain go.

It hurts.

Fables

I think I was surprised when I saw the invasion of the blue mud,
Imagine my utter shock when the eye of the rock began to speak!
Is it really that tough coming up with a reason to ruin a relationship?
Or was it merely in his case that his fear was as foul as the stench of a rat?
For it formed a cloak around him, which bit into the air of all who drew near;
And he wore it as a vest, even in the seasons the sun burned the earth.

I got a sharp ache in my chest when I heard the doctor had fixed her eyesight.
For she had had a tough accident years back, and I told her then that the bruises on her face were nothing but significant beauty spots to help keep the memory of the accident clear in her mind, and that she looked hot!
I lied
No use telling a girl even a monkey would not date her now, if she can no longer see or walk.

Never let your child's first kiss be given by an inexperienced asshole.
It is almost as bad as giving her sawdust for her first meal as a baby.
Then you suddenly wonder why she acquired a taste for humans instead, and then reflect upon your ways when you find out your body is her first choice for meat and blood.
I think it is time to wake up though, as I have spent the last decade of my life asleep, hoping time too slept with me.

So-Fas

Who am I kidding? I am, in every way, obsessed with the piano or keyboard. I fell in love with music in the first place for this reason. Each note hits me like a prayer, and is very capable of flowing through my entire being. When I play the keyboard, I know I am no longer in this world, because I am lost in the melody that is created. Fascinated at the fact that just a simple touch of a key can create so much intricate and exotic sounds, sometimes delicate and other times extremely bold. Yes I still do adore the guitar, and I adore boys that play it the most, that in itself will never change. So you might wonder, why is it that I refuse to play the piano anymore?
Simple.
Because the melody of the piano is the only thing and the only sound that can get to that box. It gets to it to the point that sometimes, that which is in hiding and locked up inside is actually moved. It gets there so much so that for the few seconds I allow myself to indulge for a bit, I feel almost alive and complete again. So I run.
I run because that is the safest thing for me to do.
I run because at that very moment, the temptation to give in a reopen that box is too great.
But then even you know that I cannot open it. At least not yet, and not by myself. I do have the key to the box, but then me opening it myself would mean doom would it not? It cannot be that the only thing that knows the melody is the piano, and also the only one that can move this box and it's content so delicately.
Maybe you think I am a coward, and maybe you are right. Maybe you think I am simply being ridiculous, and again, maybe you are right.
But I cannot bring myself to think like you do, and open it simply because you say all these things.
So please, do not misunderstand me when I turn away and move in the opposite direction at the sight of one playing or at the sight of a piano. It is not out of a sudden hatred that I do this, for it pains my soul almost as badly as a stab to the chest would, each time I take this action. The fact that I am Christian is the only reason I believe my soul has not been sold to music. If I do believe in love right now, I will say that music is one thing I know I am in love with.
The sound of the piano, the so-fas, the notes, the melody...
The one thing that is capable of picking me up, spinning me around and over to another dimension, and bringing me back to this place with more longing than I had before I went. They say once you taste a good fruit, you never want to go back. Is this any different? It's like a drug you can get high off, and when you have too much of it, like I did, at some point, you become too obsessed, and a slight shift in things, a little change in fate, leaves you wanting, broken and almost destroyed. So the simple solution in recovery would be to hide that vulnerable part of you that was almost trampled, and stay away from the source of you mishap, no matter how painful such a decision may be.
...if I were to believe in love, music will be my first love...

あなたの目を開店したとき...

(When you opened your eyes...)

When you opened your eyes,
You said "Who are you?"
And my heart was crushed to bits.
When you opened your eyes,
You turned into her arms,
And my heart was ripped out from me.

Was our past all a dream,
Or is this the nightmare?
Just last night I was in your arms,
Just last night you whispered words about forever.
Who would have guessed I would play Cinderella?
Who would have thought my forever only lasted till midnight?

When you opened your eyes,
It was as though my heart stopped,
because the pain made time freeze for me.
How is it that you forgot it all in the blink of an eye?
How is it that the thing I wished for the most,
is that which kills me ever so slowly?

When you opened your eyes...
Oh my aching heart,
Is there a way to rip it out totally so it hurts no more?
It bleeds and is crushed, yet it would not leave me.
Is there away to run from this pain for good?

Now you've opened your eyes,
And your time has resumed.
Now you've opened your eyes,
Yet my time has stopped.
It is a sad joke fate plays on us.
We walk the same planet, two lovers, searching for our love,
Yet we are doomed to pass each other each time,
With the other only a breath away.

My Raven which isnt mine...

The raven flew away from me today again. He looks so beautiful and pure, that from a distance, it hurts to watch. I want to touch it and be close to it, but I fear each time I take a step closer, it seems to retreat from me even more. It flocks around with its own kind, and the truth in that hurts my heart. Do I wish to come over to your world?
Nay it is not that I wish for, but for you to come over to my world.
The raven has smiled again today. It is so sad that he smiles, yet when I look closely I see sadness in his eyes. What is it that haunts you so? Nay, I know it, yet I am chained and cannot help. I am a coward, this I know, so I am doomed to stay away and watch him play with his kind. I am doomed to stay away and watch him sink deeper and deeper. This is my punishment for being so weak.

Sometimes I want to yell and fight them off. I want to yell
"Don't touch him! Don't touch my Raven!"
Yet I realize even that is wrong. And this realization ties me down too. I have no claim over him, so I have no right to call him my own. In all fairness, they have more claim to him than I do, yet I cannot help but feel an ache in my heart when I see them with him or see him alone, as I know he is but in search of them.

It is not as though he does not know of my existence, it is more like he knows, but I do not come to him. Th Raven would not come to me, because he does not venture away from his kind. It is a lie to say he loves everyone as he claims to, because no one who says that with a smile is for real. In his eyes you can see the truth as clear as day. In his eyes there is a shadow there that makes me want to pick him up and draw him to me. In his eyes you can tell that this present him is but a shadow, and that there is the real him locked inside. What made him run and hide? What turned the tables for him? I want to ask these things, I want to be the one to know these things, because some how I feel as though no one else can tell. No one else can tell that this is a shadow of the real Raven.

Yet I know this would not do.
And this realization plagues me daily.

The Raven is away from me for now, but soon he shall return. He shall return to that spot where he always stays, within my eye sight, yet out of my reach. It is not love that I feel for this bird, as sadly, my heart in that sense has gone cold. Yet I long for it. I long to be close to this bird so much so that is hurts my frozen heart. Is it wrong that I want him all to myself? Aye it is, as he is for all, and I was called to find him by my master. But still, I wish he would play with me. I wish I would be the closest one to him. Yes I know, this is a selfish thought, and this as well keeps me from moving. The Raven is different from other birds, even his kind, because when I look at him, I feel as though he and I are kindred spirit. Is it the loneliness I see in his eyes mirrors that which I feel, isthis is why I am drawn to him?
The Raven lived today and smiled I am sure. With this distant light, some balm is spread on my aching heart.
Me and the Raven together even now, is but a Phantom of my imagination.

Thou which are not mine....

I stare at the wind,
the wind I cannot see.
I smile to myself,
because the wind is free.

I stare at the bird,
the bird I cannot catch.
I smile to myself,
because it can fly away.

Who clipped my wings and placed me here?
Who took me and sealed me in this space?
I look around but cannot find the culprit,
So I smile to myself.

Aren't I pitiful?
This distance between us is but a joke,
as I only need to look down to see the chains you have around my legs.
No matter how far I go, you have me on a leash,
When I try to forget, you pull the chains to remind me.
I have to smile for the world,
yet in the mirror, my reflection does not smile back at me.
Looking at that, I smile to myself
"Aren't I pitiful?"

I stare at the sun,
In all her glory,
yet like me she is on a leash,
confined to walk the day alone,
and hide in the shadow of the moon at night.
I watch the moon,
In all her beauty,
yet like me, she is on a leash,
confined to walk the night alone,
and hide in the shadow of the sun in the day.
I smile to myself, and it seems they smile back,
"Aren't we pitiful?"

The things I ask...

And if i tell you he stole (took without permission) an item from me, and I am going to take it back from him without asking, would you say I'm also wrong? Did I too sin as well by taking back, what was in the first place, originally mine, without asking?
If he pulls the trigger on everyone around me, and I do it to him before he does it to me, will you also say that I was wrong too? Did I too sin as well, by killing him before he killed me?
If she sleeps with men who are not married to her, and I give in to a rape making it seem consensual, will I too be seen as a whore? Did I too sin by not fighting anymore so as to reduce the damage that would be done to me?

I ask you these things,
yet you give me no reply.
I ask you these things,
yet you look at me in silence.
Do you not have anything to say to me?
Do you not have anything to confess to?

Don't compare the two of us,
simply because it is convenient for you!
Don't compare the two of us,
simply because you cannot think of a better word to use for me!
Don't compare the two of us,
because I am 'Me', and you are 'You'!

Is it fair that you smile at the moon from afar,
yet up close you treat it differently?
From afar it looks like the perfect twin,
pure and bright with no imperfections,
yet up close, you see the scars it tries to hide,
and you, believing it is the evil twin, are quick to judge.
You, believing it is the lesser one, are quick to run and hide.
Is it fair that you smiled and raised hope without finding out the other side,
only to turn around and crush that Hope along with the shred of life that once was there?

You say the words,
I hear them well,
Yet as your mouth moves,
You body moves in the opposite direction.
Step out of the picture and take a closer look,
Is it one side of you I see, all of you?
If you wish to show me all of you, then I would accept you as you are.
But if you wish to show me a side of you, then keep the other side away from me forever.
For it would crush the me that has come to love the side of you that I know,
and the me that was before I met you, all together, to find out there is a different side to you.

Proof of my adventurous crazy side...

For personal reasons, I am not going to use any names in this tale...O and it's not proof read, so bear with woteva!!! :)
So I just got back to my dorm at about 5.30pm today, after a very random and funny 32 hours. To put it simply, I went on an unplanned, unexpected and totally ridiculous road trip.
K I'll skip the first part and start with Saturday morning. I got a call from one of my friends, saying I should get dressed so we could go to the mall. This was around 10.30am, after I had gone to bed at 6am. I was pretty tired, but I had promised to go along with her so I got off my bed, got dressed and got into the car. There was another girl there, making three of us, and we set off originally to go to the mall, and ended up five hours away from Carbondale, in a town called Peoria!!!!!

Okay when we got to the mall and got done shopping, we decided to go get something to eat. Of course we wanted something different, and thought about Red Lobster, but the closest one was in Marion, which is 30mins away from Carbondale. So we were off to Marion. To tell the difference between the girls, I'll use OF, as in Old Friend, and NF, as in new friend. Should be pretty easy to understand right? Anyway, my OF say the "Stake and Shake" sign and decided she wanted lunch there. So we were off to Stake and Shake, Red lobster was quickly forgotten.

While we were having lunch, NF, and the driver as it turned out to be, suggested that we go to Padukah, (An hour north of Marion), and go window shopping or something at the mall there. (Pls note that nothing happened with regards to this thought, but we always tell it as part of the story so....lol). Anyway, somewhere along the line, she changed her mind and said lets go to D'Quater (Sorry, I don't know how to spell it so thats how it's pronounced)....anyway, we decided that that was a better option (Did I mention that this was 3.5hrs South of our present location?) because some of NF and OF's friends were going over there to have Indian food for dinner. So we got done with lunch, hopped into the car and we were off to D'Quater.

No pls note that we acc did not know where exactly this place was, but we had a general idea u know and of course an atlas. On the way, OF announced that this sort of feels lyk a road trip, and then NF said "Well that would only work if we spend the night else where." Then she added "We could spend the night in Peoria." and looked at me. Yes, yours truly was so ready to back up that idea, and I definitely responded with a "Hell Ya!" to that bright idea.... OF called her sis and told her about the plan, then asked if we could sleep over. She said yes, and we told her we would be there at 10pm, and the journey continued.

We hung out with their friends as planned at D'Quater, had Indian food, also as planned, and then decided that it was time to head off to Peoria, when we suddenly realized that Oh, we did not have a place to crash at! The plan was to get to OF's sister's place before 10, but unfortunately that plan fell through and we were homeless. Yes these three college kids figured out that they had no place to stay at 12am in the morning! Genius, I know! We decided we'll head off there anyway, worst comes to worst, we'll crash at a motel or something. Then OF remembered she had a friend who stayed in Treemounth, or some place with a name lyk that, which was close to Peoria, and that we could crash there. So we called her friend, got an ok from her, and were off to her house.

Of course we had to make a quick stop at Wallmart to get somethings as we were to arrive at this house with only ourselves and our wallets! Sweet! We crashed in OF's friends house, without seeing the owners of the house! Got in at 2am and the out at 8am. We went off to NF's house and literarilly snuck in while everyone was out, because she was not meant to be there, and then got out before anyone came in. Almost like a B&E, just we had the keys to the front door, and a member of the family with us. lol.

We made OF call this guy who had a thing for her, and ask him to meet us for breakfast, so we had breakfast in Peoria first. Though he never showed up and got deeper in our bad books for sure. Nyhu, after our B&E, we went off to Pecan to get OF's full length mirror from the place she stayed at, and helped the lady there move some stuff. finally, we bagan our trip back to Carbondale at 12pm, and arrived at 5pm - This story would not be complete if I forget to mention the fact that we had to drive through a storm and almost got into a car wreck when NF tried to over take a truck and the car began to slide from side to side, rather that move forward. But of course, God willing, we got out of that one...

So the difference between this and my trip to St Louis last semester was the fact that the trip to St Louis was planned (though the events that occurred on the trip such as getting lost, getting lost some more, returning to town at 2am and not getting to see any of the things we went to St Louis to see but still having fun anyways), but this trip to wot turned out to be 5 different towns, was not....

So here I am back in my room at last, after my trip to the mall. This was a very random thing to do, but definitely awesome and a thing for the books! Me, being a 'safe' dare-devil, if such a term exists, was super stoaked the entire time we were on the trip and about it!!!! My grand kids are gonna have a ball with this one. "During my first summer skol in college, I took a trip to the mall, had lunch in a town 30mins away, dinner in one 3.5hrs away, and then breakfast in one 5hrs away with nothing but my self, friends, and goodies from a short trip to Wallmart!!!

Good times!!!

Jaa-Nee!!!

Wishful thinking....

I've been thinking, is it wrong to want to have some fun and excitement, even though you know for sure you would not be satisfied if what you do is not dangerous or daring? I mean one way or the other, a monotonous life becomes what its called monotonous! It really never gets any better than yesterday. You do the same thing over, and over and over again. Thats why I don't think I can stand a desk job. Not that I have anything against those who do it right now or who plan on going into that, I mean, to each his own right?

So now that I have said the first stage of my thoughts, lets go on. What do I do that would make my life fun right now? I've already given up on trying to stay on the good side of everyone, especially those that I really couldn't care less about in a couple of years when I move, and since most of the people whose opinions count know would take me as I present myself, I think I am free to play a little game right? I mean, it really has been a while. I guess the only problem I have is the fact that when I start, I usually have to play till the end or game over - not that that has ever occurred, game over I mean - and I don't think I am quite ready to make such a commitment yet you know. No scratch that, I think am just being too freaking lazy right now. lol.
Well since I have decided that I want to play a game, I need to make sure the factors and the other players are involved. I mean there is not fun playing a game with no goal or prize now is there? Thats almost as bad as just living. lol. Don't get me wrong, I do love living. But then simply 'living' is like standing still in a game world. There is no fun in that. You have to figure out what the price or goal is, and then aim for it. So I need to work out the kicks for the game, the other players, if I can stand to have any, and the goals for each level.

If you are still trying to figure this out, I am talking about mind games. And yes, I know I probably sound pretty much on the crazy side right now, but the good part is, thats all part of the fun. Being a little crazy, and having something to talk about and possibly get high over in the end...

Because am tired and I really have nothing else to say right now, no scratch that, I don't feel like saying anything else right now, I'll just go, and leave you to ponder over the mystery of the crazy that is Mi.

Ja-Nee